Why Ghosting Hurts and What We Can Learn From It in the College Recruiting Process

If you’re a parent going through the college recruiting process with your child, chances are you’ve run into one of the most frustrating and demoralizing experiences out there: ghosting.

We’re all familiar with ghosting in everyday life—when someone you’ve been talking to suddenly stops responding, with no explanation and no closure. It’s annoying in personal relationships, but in the world of college recruiting, it can be downright heartbreaking.

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Ghosting Happens in Sales, Too

As someone who’s raised millions of dollars for companies, I’ve seen this dynamic play out time and time again. For every “yes” I’ve received from an investor, I’ve gotten dozens of “no’s”—but far more often, I’ve gotten nothing at all. Just silence. Ghosting.

In the fundraising world, we even have a name for it: the S.H.I.T.S. syndrome - Show High Interest, Then Stall. Investors do this all the time. Why? Because staying quiet keeps their options open. A non-answer means they’re not locked in or out. It’s frustrating, but it’s a reality.

Why? Because giving no answer keeps options open. It’s not professional, but it happens—because in many cases, silence buys flexibility.

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College Coaches Do the Same Thing in Recruitment

The same dynamic often plays out in the recruiting world. Coaches want to keep their options open. That might mean continuing to communicate with your son or daughter while they evaluate other players. It might mean saying very little, even after your child has attended an ID camp or visited the school.

As a parent watching this process unfold with my own daughter, I’ve seen the spectrum. One coach in particular has done a good job of checking in with her occasionally and giving minor updates. But even then, it’s clear that they’re stalling—waiting to see what happens with other players before making a decision.

And that’s okay. That’s the process. But here’s the thing: what makes it painful isn’t necessarily the delay—it’s the silence.

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Ghosting Isn’t Going Away—So What Can We Do?

Unfortunately, we’re not going to fix ghosting overnight. But there are a few important lessons we can take away:

1. Don’t take it personally. Coaches are overwhelmed. They’re juggling hundreds of emails, calls, messages, and scouting reports. Just like in sales, being ghosted often has nothing to do with you or your child—and everything to do with the person on the other end of the line.
2. Don’t retaliate. As tempting as it might be to send a pointed email calling out a coach for their lack of response, resist the urge. It won’t help your child—and it could hurt them. Remember: coaches talk to each other.‍
3. Keep showing up. Stay positive. Continue to share updates. Send highlight videos, tournament schedules, or GPA improvements. Make it easy for coaches to stay in the loop—and give them a reason to keep your child in the mix.‍
4. Look for signals. Coaches who communicate regularly—whether it’s a quick update or meaningful feedback—are often more organized, more thoughtful, and perhaps more successful. Pay attention to those signals as you evaluate where your child might thrive

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A Note to Coaches

If you’re a coach reading this: I get it. Your inbox is overflowing. You can’t possibly respond to every message.

But I urge you to consider this: If a student-athlete has taken the time (and often the money) to attend your ID camp or visit your school, a quick follow-up can go a long way. Even a short, honest update like “You’re still on our radar, but we’re not ready to make a decision yet” can make the process more humane.

Lack of communication, especially with high school kids, can be demoralizing—and we can all do better.

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Final Thoughts

Ghosting is one of the hardest parts of the recruiting journey for parents and kids alike. But it’s also one of the most common—and one of the most educational.

Many of our kids will go on to careers in sales, business, or leadership. Learning to navigate ghosting now, without bitterness or resentment, is a skill that will serve them for life.

If you’re a parent going through this right now, I hope this perspective is helpful. You’re not alone, and this too shall pass.

Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or want to talk more about the recruiting process. We’re all in this together.

- Ben

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